I just cancelled my Dota 2 matchmaking because I felt like I needed to write here. Well,I kinda suddenly had a random thought about having somebody with me. Funny that I am not remembering "her" as a person I miss, but more of a "person" I miss. Bah, its complicated. I guess its kinda like when you miss having someone to love,but not exactly missing the one you once loved.
Its kinda sad really.I seem so happy on the outside but inside I'm pretty much a shattered soul.
But then, I kinda remembered there was someone who said something to me on MSN a long time ago - a year or two maybe?
Well,I only remembered that I was somewhat ranting about how broken my family was, and she went like "You shouldn't say that about them,think of all the people in the world who would give anything to have a dad,"
Oh well,I did rant about my dad that time.I guess it never really entered my brain until now.Ngeh, sure, he is somewhat not normal,but a dad's a dad I guess.And family's family.Can't choose em.
I've accepted my family as it is a long time ago. But the issues happening inside me - internal conflicts within myself - this took a huge toll on me that its hard to control myself anymore.The bad tempered "me" is returning - a personality I thought was long gone.
Maybe its because of loneliness.I don't know.Yeah sure, friends will be there as friends, but..I need someone who can understand me, who could be with me (as how that lady did sometime ago)...
I'm not choosing a girl over my family.Its just that I need someone to complete myself, so that I can treat all of them as my family.
But I guess wishes will never come true.My love life has failed since the eon of time, and when hope seems to rise, it carries me so high into the sky and, without me realising it - throws me back to the ground.
Oh well...I guess for now, this is what I have to bear with. The internal conflict within myself may seem bizarre, but alas - the truth.
Well I'm getting sleepy.Its 5.30 AM here.Goodbye people.
2:12 PM |
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