It is ironic when the one thing that makes you weak is the one thing you need in life. Not that it applies to me (yet), as I have no qualms with being strong and alone, rather than weak and giving half your heart to someone else - and worse if the other person doesn't take care of that half you've given. Everyone needs someone. But we can choose to not be with someone.

So how is it like, needing kryptonite?

Well it basically sucks big time. You need it, but when it gets close enough, you grow weaker and weaker. If  somehow the kryptonite ends up to stay close to your heart until you can merge it together with you - then good for you - you'll probably turn that weakness into your own strength. But what if the kryptonite decides to continue tormenting you - until you fall to your knees - and in the end, failing to acquire it?

If you still don't get my Superman references, well - in layman terms, it basically means that if the one you need in life ends up hurting you and leaving you in the abyss, the pain will drag you to your knees. On the other hand, if the person stays close to your heart - figuratively speaking, then you'd probably be able to turn that weakness into your own strength.

But frankly, the latter has never happened to me. I've got stellar luck in video games, but none of the sort in life games. So what do I do in my position? Even I wonder. All I do is keep up with life - and try not to let it bother me. Although sometimes it does, and I end up writing something here.

Hoping is against my principles, so I try to deter myself from it. But occasionally it does seep its' way through this hardened soul.

Well, whatever. Emotions makes us weak - but it also makes us human. I'm still human, and emotions are inevitable. Alas, all that can be done is to keep my head high, and keep walking forward. Life doesn't wait for humans to weep and cry and breakdown. I've learned that the hard way in my life. 

So buck up, live up. There's more to life than sitting down and weeping.

Albeit all these things - Know that Firaga will be here - gazing upon the blue rose.

I've always believed that living alone and relying mostly on yourself is the way to go in life. True enough, as I've reach this level of university with efforts done that nobody can help you with. But knowing that you've learned the hard way to live life - Knowing that in the end, you can only rely on yourself is quite a bitter things to live with. I guess I've reached that level, where I'm on the tip of the scale - whether I will choose to embrace my solitary life, or will I stand here, waiting for the blue rose that will never come? I wouldn't know. A heart hurt countless times tends to want to avoid itself from getting hurt again. But that is something one needs to ponder deeply. For if the blue rose does exist - and as one finally finds it - mayhap the solitary sadness within will shatter into pieces.

But as a friend said to me - ask yourself - can you live without it?

I know I can. But I know I don't want to. Life's down enough. Facing it alone? I'd rather not. After facing it alone for 20 years, I don't think anyone would want to continue living a life of shit being tossed at you and you have nobody to turn to.

When you've lived strong for all your life, there are times where you wanna share it all together with someone, knowing that when things go awry - there is somebody who'll be there for you. Its reassuring, no?

So, whatever. Just gonna hold out as always for now. Growing tired of it, but the moment you give up is the moment you lose. Living strong is the way to go. Its how I've been living for years, and I don't plan on losing to life's everlasting rain of poop.

Well, whatever. Live strong and heartless - you'll be pain-proof. But you'll lose something very important in the process. Adieu.
Its funny when sometimes history repeats itself in ways you can never imagine. Sometimes they repeat for the worse, for the better, and sometimes it seems like a repetitive dilemma. Recently I was pondering - maybe this is the opening to set things right of what I did back then in the same situation. But there is one thing i still lack, which is self control, I guess. I think that this is the part of me that I never learn, even if history repeats a hundred times.I try not to hope, but maybe a little bit of hope wouldn't hurt. Alas, the time has come again where the petrified heart of mine to start beating, slowly and steadily.

Oh..well. I'm lost for words to say. But here is an ode.

Once more the journeyman sets off,
To search of the blue rose,
A path that could make him go soft,
As passion starts to move close.

An urban legend it may be,
Yet here he is - Firaga - scorching a path,
Believing in the small chance that it could be
Not a lie - holding on to this single faith.

If the journey proves fruitful -
Firaga will grasp happiness,
And rectify what is uneventful,
To be cured of this sickness.


Adieu, good night.
Its not a new thing to me. But may seem to be new to some.

Living a life of hell and having people lack understanding about you is how I've been living over the past years of my life. I never do complain about it usually. But sometimes when you keep everything to yourself, things seems bleak on your end. You try to tell it to the people you think are the closest to you but they lack understanding of your soul. Surprising enough, considering they've been with you for as long as you can remember.

In the end, when you're left alone, you know you can only rely on yourself and nothing else. Sometimes your strength may seem inadequate, but it is as such because you are still a single body. Holding on to false hope is only going to make things worse. So I decided to live reality. The bleak reality of the living whose humanity has been close to zero. When you hope for nothing, you have no expectation. Expectations that do not come true only brings more scars.

So this is my ode to myself - an ode of the world's abyss.

A life,
Not as beautiful as the blooming of flowers,
Nor as lively as the green glades,
Not as hopeful as the magnificent sun,
Yes, this is not a rich kid's life,
This is mine, of dark abyss.

Life defecates on my soul,
Laughing and loving as I suffer through,
Draining my vitality - Plaguing my spirit,
But disbelieve keeps me alive,
For I have no need for chants and support,
When I have damned my own self.

To those judging me right now,
I am not here to please you,
I am not a spoiled brat who suffered null,
You cannot fathom the hell I've lived,
In the seemingly endless chaos I scurry through,
Of the bottomless pit I dive into.

I call to thee,
Be not a shadow of me,
Know that there is more to life,
Give up hope and heartless you will be,
As how I act to hide it all,
Let my mask be your reality.