I recently reread all my old posts and comments on Facebook. Damn, I came a long way. From this weird nerd fucker who writes like: "Oh Hey Thanks I Love Caps On Every First Letter Of My Words," at least I normalised that. Now that I look back at it man, I was fucking weird and creepy.

Oh well, time and experience changes people. I never actually enjoyed all of it, because having a fouler mouth a the day goes by doesn't help when socializing with strangers - but hell, I couldn't give two fucks about what people think about me. But those who can still accept me for who I am, those people are getting closer and closer to me. Refreshing enough, at least. Don't need friends who don't need you.

I just felt like ranting about that. Maybe I have come a long way from what the hell I was back then, as some say. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better and more secure. No matter. Time will tell.

On a side note, I kinda miss writing poetry. But it might reignite unnecessary bursts of feelings that could carry me to a state of hatred and emo-ness. So we will see. I will consider the consequences. Perhaps a request for me to write one could allow me to write without actually resurrecting  such upheaval in my soul.

But this may be the last I will give a chance to my feelings. If the next one doesn't work the way it should, I'd be the ultimate defender of my heart, as such is my brother/coach/trainer. I'd rather have somebody else's Smirnoff bottle break than my own.

On that, I bid thee all farewell. Of hope that the flame will rekindle or perish for all chronos.

So after a recent ordeal in my life and reaching the state of being on the verge of a mental breakdown, I achieved a state of mind that I never thought I could before. I was able to stop overthinking, which was a really bad habit I had - Really helps build headaches and bad feelings.

I've also discovered the importance of being vain. I never actually bothered before - How I look, what I wore, I couldn't give two fucks about it. Until recently my brother said something that made me realise;

"You want someone to love you for who you are, of course; but don't you want someone who loves you inside, as well as outside? You can't deny it - In this world it's important to look good and reliable"

It was then it hit me. So here I am, almost 2 months in training with my brother, and I've found the drive and the need to look good and be healthy as well. Things will change, so will I.

I also started...well, partying. It gets my mind off things very well. It may seem bad to others, but I don't see nothing wrong with it as long as I learn to control myself.

No point being loyal when there is no one loyal to you, no?

And hence two of my three golden rules, that I have upheld for my whole life has been broken. And I have no remorse about it.

My other brother as a counselor said that my happiness is the priority. So here it is. These are the things that make me happy. Life is short, I'd rather not waste a moment of it.

And hence, the death of the poetic soul marks the end of this blog. My final post for all time.

I bid everyone good life and find your happiness.

Finale; Adieu.

Its surprising to me that I actually got an answer for something that puzzled my mind. Although it might had....caused some sort of awkwardness to arise. Heh. I guess sometimes what we think we show is not what others see in their eyes. Perspectives, perspectives. I had been blabbering on about the "Blue Rose", about how unattainable that is, but it would be if I had been much more obvious and truthful in my journey. One lesson learnt today is I should never expect people to be obvious to what I think is obvious - Lest I end up facing obliviousness.

The Journeyman's Folly

An illusive journey he took that day,
Twisting, turning, strolling, frolicking,
Only to lead the Blue Rose astray,
And to gain the title of Dud King.

Had he went straight,
He may have grasped true,
Why toddle in Hell's Eight?
Now the Rose remains Blue.

But a lesson learnt by him in life,
Is sometimes truth is the way to strife,
For sometimes workarounds are naught but ice,
And now he knows not to fool one twice.

The world grows with cruelty,

Reality is something that makes me feel weary.

The folly of this soul to believe that people will actually understand it.

The journeyman scurries for the myth,

What's worse than having everything going against you?

It is ironic when the one thing that makes you weak is the one thing you need in life. Not that it applies to me (yet), as I have no qualms with being strong and alone, rather than weak and giving half your heart to someone else - and worse if the other person doesn't take care of that half you've given. Everyone needs someone. But we can choose to not be with someone.

I've always believed that living alone and relying mostly on yourself is the way to go in life. True enough, as I've reach this level of university with efforts done that nobody can help you with. But knowing that you've learned the hard way to live life - Knowing that in the end, you can only rely on yourself is quite a bitter things to live with. I guess I've reached that level, where I'm on the tip of the scale - whether I will choose to embrace my solitary life, or will I stand here, waiting for the blue rose that will never come? I wouldn't know. A heart hurt countless times tends to want to avoid itself from getting hurt again. But that is something one needs to ponder deeply. For if the blue rose does exist - and as one finally finds it - mayhap the solitary sadness within will shatter into pieces.

Its funny when sometimes history repeats itself in ways you can never imagine. Sometimes they repeat for the worse, for the better, and sometimes it seems like a repetitive dilemma. Recently I was pondering - maybe this is the opening to set things right of what I did back then in the same situation. But there is one thing i still lack, which is self control, I guess. I think that this is the part of me that I never learn, even if history repeats a hundred times.I try not to hope, but maybe a little bit of hope wouldn't hurt. Alas, the time has come again where the petrified heart of mine to start beating, slowly and steadily.

Its not a new thing to me. But may seem to be new to some.

Living a life of hell and having people lack understanding about you is how I've been living over the past years of my life. I never do complain about it usually. But sometimes when you keep everything to yourself, things seems bleak on your end. You try to tell it to the people you think are the closest to you but they lack understanding of your soul. Surprising enough, considering they've been with you for as long as you can remember.

In the end, when you're left alone, you know you can only rely on yourself and nothing else. Sometimes your strength may seem inadequate, but it is as such because you are still a single body. Holding on to false hope is only going to make things worse. So I decided to live reality. The bleak reality of the living whose humanity has been close to zero. When you hope for nothing, you have no expectation. Expectations that do not come true only brings more scars.

So this is my ode to myself - an ode of the world's abyss.

A life,
Not as beautiful as the blooming of flowers,
Nor as lively as the green glades,
Not as hopeful as the magnificent sun,
Yes, this is not a rich kid's life,
This is mine, of dark abyss.

Life defecates on my soul,
Laughing and loving as I suffer through,
Draining my vitality - Plaguing my spirit,
But disbelieve keeps me alive,
For I have no need for chants and support,
When I have damned my own self.

To those judging me right now,
I am not here to please you,
I am not a spoiled brat who suffered null,
You cannot fathom the hell I've lived,
In the seemingly endless chaos I scurry through,
Of the bottomless pit I dive into.

I call to thee,
Be not a shadow of me,
Know that there is more to life,
Give up hope and heartless you will be,
As how I act to hide it all,
Let my mask be your reality.

Adieu.

This is an ode to the soul I destroyed recently. May it rest in peace. (or pieces).

My stallion strives roughly,
When you ran along the road,
For then I trampled you thoroughly,
For an accident deserves an ode,
An unintentional act,
As I tried to avoid,
Alas, your brain is on crack,
And my efforts were void.
Clearly your road ends before your time,
But perhaps not all is bad from this,
Mayhap your idiot genes are a crime,
And I'm clearing it from the list.

Trust not your allies,
Or hear your own cries,
Trust not your brothers-in-arms,
For they will raze your farms.

Trust not your lover,
Or your love will soon be over,
Trust not your people,
Never once they form a clean steeple.

I beseech you,
Not everyone remains true,
Chrono's wheels changes all souls,
To conjure up various roles.

But do put trust in one party,
Your closest family whole-heartedly,
A nuisance they may seem at times,
But love unchanging is sublime.

I am Fantasy's flame,
Valk goes my nickname,
Do not live alone as I do,
If you cannot take the hell I pace through.